An Open Letter to Anyone Visiting Cuba (and/ or Me!)

Forewarning: There's going to be a lot of "seriously"'s in this post and maybe even a few "for reals". Normally I try to give a good vocabulary mix while I'm repeating myself, but I need you to know, All of those
"seriously"-ies are "for reals". Despite my comedic tone, these are real. Which is part of what makes this place comedic, and part of what makes this place horrifying. Continue at your own risk.


Another note I'd like to make is that, as many of you know, I'm high strung. While I'm currently taking drugs to help with that, they only make me not worry about things. It doesn't keep me from thinking of them. Kind of like being drunk all the time but with better motor skills... mostly. Just something to think about when you read the list.

Things to bring:

Bring water shoes. Seriously. If you forget said water shoes your first stop
needs to be at the NEX to buy some water shoes. Most of the beaches here are
rocky. And if they aren't rocky they are buried in broken shells. And if
they aren't buried in broken shells they have sea urchins you could use to
incapacitate a vampire. You're really going to want those water shoes.

Bring skin so soft. In fact bring extra so I can have some. You can purchase
stuff to combat the mosquitoes on island. You cannot however buy anything to
ward off the gnats. If you go to hicacael the gnats will eat you. Seriously.
Brandon and I looked like we had chicken pox.

Speaking of buying stuff to ward off the mosquitoes, do so. For reals. I'm
pretty sure this is the place that all the mutant monsters from Godzilla
movies come to retire. The mosquitoes here are huge! And they have time
release! You forget to wear bug repellant tonight and you will suffer
starting tomorrow night (and for the next 3 nights thereafter). I'm talking
take a cheese grater to your leg itchy. Also you might want to resist that
urge to smack the blood sucker about to dine on you. There's something
infinitely disturbing about having a blood smear on you that you don't know
who or what it came from.

Bring me a tithe in Orville Redenbacher Naturals Lime and Salt popcorn. They
come in single serving bags and are delicious forms of crack. Seriously if a
box of this doesn't come out of your suitcase I'm leaving you stranded on
leeward. (not really but possibly) ( i will also accept tithes in bottled water drink mixes such as crystal light in pink lemonade or cherry cranberry or any Hawaiian punch mixes)


Wildlife and nature related warnings:

We have sharks of all shapes and sizes. One of those shapes and sizes are
occasionally 14 ft hammerheads, etc. Now before you get freaked out our
sharks only attack stupid people. The only shark attack we have on record is
someone who had their chum bag resting on their leg. So use common sense. If
you are bleeding get out of the water. Or at least have the common decency
to swim slower than me.

Apparently barracuda are attracted to shiny things. Please plan your bathing
attire accordingly. Swimming with dolphins is awesome. Swimming with
barracuda is significantly less so.

If you find a pretty shell that appears to be empty, set it right side up
somewhere and see if it moves. If it doesn't take it home. If it crawls away
be thankful you've been saved from one of the more horrifying experiences of
my life. Learn from my mistake. Not a week later when you go to fish out
your prize and find the corpse of the elder god Cthuhlu reaching, arms out
stretched, to feast upon your very sanity! Also hermit craps smell
horrifying after they die... and apparently get kind of furry. I'm just
saying.

If you want to go sea glass hunting go during an off hour. Work days in the
morning are good cause there's no one else there. When you get more than one
or two hunters on the beach things start to get tense. Navy wives get
seriously territorial. They might cut you for a nice chunk of true blue.
Shit I might cut you for a nice chunk of amethyst.

If an iguana bobs his head at you, he's not saying "Sup?". He's saying you
are invading his personal bubble and he thinks he just might be able to take
you. Also don't feed them. They will chase you and as ungainly as they are
they can really move when they think they might get some subway out of it.

I've never seen one but there are "salt water alligators" mentioned in some
of the base instructions. I'm not sure if this is a joke in poor taste or
not. Either way I'm kind of terrified.

When we go hiking, stay on the trails. This will be obvious while we hike
next to barbed wire but the rule still stands even in the absence of the
barbed wire. Just remember, the bushes are watching and they have guns.

Also if you see a sign that says no photography beyond that point, they
really mean it. Don't pull that camera out unless you want to buy a new one,
cause they will take it.

Brandon has almost sat on a Cuban boa. Twice I think. Keep your eyes open
when in nature. Especially when on trails named racer run (racers are
snakes), lizard lane, boa breezeway (another snake), warbler way (bird),
pelican pass (another bird), hutia highway (banana rats!), and tarantula
trail (haven't even tried this one yet).

I would not recommend leaving shoes or jackets outside overnight but if you
absolutely must check your pockets and shoes before putting them back on.
Apparently scorpions find those places nice and cozy.

Don't drink the fountain drinks. I don't know what's wrong with them but
they taste like lemon pepper and sewage. Blegh!

And most importantly, remember you are on an active military installation
and security is an on-going concern. Don't assume you have all those rights
you are so used to, and keep in mind that there is always someone watching
you.

If I think of any other wisdom I'll send it your way.

Hugs and Kisses!