Back from the Dead

Just In Time For The Hordes Of Exoskeletoned Creatures To Do Me In.

So it's been awhile. I'll admit it was entirely my own fault. I went through a bad time and for awhile I didn't have anything I felt like saying beyond, "Ow, my knee hurts," and, "The navy can go to hell," repeat ad nauseum.

But in the course of the last few weeks I finally felt like I had an amusing story to tell and thought I'd pop in and share it with you to break the ice of my long abandonment.

So on to the invasion of the exoskeletons.

So one night a few weeks ago I was coming home after dark. I grab the handle of the screen door, pull it back, and then my eyes focus in on what is chilling out on the vertical right next to the door. And proceeded to scream like a little girl.

Yep, that's right. Crab's can hang out on sheer vertical surfaces. After I started breathing again I ran and got my camera for posterity's sake.

So shortly thereafter Brandon, my new friend Cari, and I all headed over to a friend's house for a party. It was in the next neighborhood over so we just walked, which excused us from having to drive later. We get to their house and they had a note on the door saying just come on in. So i grab the screen door pull it open... and then my eyes focus on the wall next to the door. Now you need to understand. The crab was on the same plane as the door, so it wasn't that close to me. This wall ran perpendicular to the door so it was right next to me... it being an enormous, furry tarantula. I don't have any pics of this denizen of my nightmares but I know Cari took some phone shots of it, so I'll try and get one of those to add later.

So, once again, I screamed like a little girl. I screamed so loud in fact that the entire party came outside to see what happened to me. I think they were expecting blood at the very least. The only way I could get inside was at a dead run. I hate spiders. Ugh.

So fast forward to the next weekend. We occasionally let the cat's outside. If we don't freak out they stay in the yard and it makes it bearable to live with them. If we don't let them outside, they are still going to get outside but not on our terms so it's best to just try and control the situation. 

We just left the door open so they could come back in when they were ready and to let the house air out a little. I'm a big fan of fresh air. So after awhile I notice the cats are both back inside so I shut the door and moved on with my day.

About 45 minutes later guess who's screaming like a little girl... again. Yeah this girl. I turned around and spot a chewed up tailless lizard sitting in the middle of the living room floor. Either my cats love me or they think I need lessons in hunting. Brandon removed the offending corpse and I moved on with my day. When you have cats you occasionally receive gifts of dead things. 

So maybe another 45 minutes later I see Yuki poking at my knitting bag. I thought she was just playing with my yarn because she is a destructive little tart. I shooed her away and moved on... for about 10 minutes until it occurred to me that the corpse had been tailless and the likelihood of the tail being in my knitting bag occurred to me.

I poked around carefully, braced for the possibility of gross but found nothing. So maybe 2 hrs later, I'm sitting on the couch with a lap full of sewing. And what should crawl out from under the couch, within 2 inches of my flip flop clad foot? 

A lizard? No.

A crab? No.

A tarantula? No.

A Fucking Scorpion! Crawled within 2 inches of my bare foot! I didn't scream like a little girl this time.

I gave a war bellow that would have done Conan the Barbarian proud. Brandon actually yelled at me for shouting so loud. Screw him, I'll bellow like that again the next time a scorpion buzzes me.  I feel kind of justified. 

Since Brandon was involved in his MMO and didn't have the proper deadly reaction I was hoping for, I hoped up and pummeled it to death with my flip flop. Of course Brandon still had to dispose of it since all I could think of when I looked at it was the face huggers from the aliens movies.

Then the next day I found another tiny little chewed up lizard under my desk. Yay! Luckily he'd been there for a little while and appeared mummified which is much less creepy than freshly dead.

Then the next day was Monday. On our way out of the chapel complex I encountered something so unnatural and surreal I would have assumed I was hallucinating if it weren't for other witnesses... and of course my photographic evidence!

Now for perspective this creepy little worm/ caterpillar type creature was thicker around than my thumb and longer than my hand. It reminds me of nothing so much as the sand worms from Beetlejuice. I don't know what this thing is, all I know is it's going to haunt me in my dreams. It wiggled at me...

Pretty!

Escape From Iguana Island

Wherein I get lost. Repeatedly.

So I made it to Jacksonville. As soon as I got on the ferry to go to the air terminal I realized I had forgotten to grab my (or Edwin's depending on how you look at it) jacket. The flight wasn't too bad, and a lot of people I work with were on the same flight so I wasn't completely on my own while finding my luggage and getting my rental car.  Jacksonville is kind of overwhelming after being on GTMO so long. 45 mph feels really fast! Especially when the speed limit is 50. Let's just way I wasn't making friends.

One of my co-workers asked me to give him a ride to pick up his car and since it was in the same direction as the used book store I had heard so much of I decided to go ahead and visit the book store before checking into my hotel since it closes at 6 and doesn't open on Sundays.

The place wasn't hard to find. I wish i had had a camera. After not seeing a bookstore in 6 months this was like showing up at the holy land. I almost cried and I did actually get lost. When they describe this place as labyrinthine they are being dead set honest. Seriously, you could hide a minotaur in that place and the only way you would notice if is customers started to go missing. It was only the thought that i need something other than books and hardbacks way too much that kept me limited to $40.

So then i roll back up to the gate to the base and hand over my cac card and rental agreement. He scans it, smiles, starts to hand it back, then frowns and looks at it harder and goes," Who is Aimee Millspaugh?" I responded with a very clarifying, "Huh?" I finally managed to get out that it was my maiden name and I'm not sure where enterprise got it from. I mean i reserved my car through dts, i paid with my government travel card, i gave them my driver's license with my married name, and they even greeted me as Ms. Morrison when I walked up to the desk. So why the fuck does my car rental agreement that I use to get on the base not match my id?!?!? So he let me in, but he told me to get it checked out...

Unfortunately the place closes at 5 and this event occurred at 6, they don't open on Sunday, and i fly out on Monday morning... so there's no getting that fixed... So now I'm afraid to leave the base in case they won't let me back on... so maybe I'll just hit the nex tomorrow and do my heavy shopping in Huntsville. Either way I need a hoodie or sweater of some kind. Its frickin cold. But god I would love to wander around that super target a block from base... the thing is the size of a mall! I feel old.

So i got lost in the bookstore, i got lost on base (twice) and now I'm not leaving my fucking room again tonight.

Traveling alone sucks.

An Open Letter to Anyone Visiting Cuba (and/ or Me!)

Forewarning: There's going to be a lot of "seriously"'s in this post and maybe even a few "for reals". Normally I try to give a good vocabulary mix while I'm repeating myself, but I need you to know, All of those
"seriously"-ies are "for reals". Despite my comedic tone, these are real. Which is part of what makes this place comedic, and part of what makes this place horrifying. Continue at your own risk.


Another note I'd like to make is that, as many of you know, I'm high strung. While I'm currently taking drugs to help with that, they only make me not worry about things. It doesn't keep me from thinking of them. Kind of like being drunk all the time but with better motor skills... mostly. Just something to think about when you read the list.

Things to bring:

Bring water shoes. Seriously. If you forget said water shoes your first stop
needs to be at the NEX to buy some water shoes. Most of the beaches here are
rocky. And if they aren't rocky they are buried in broken shells. And if
they aren't buried in broken shells they have sea urchins you could use to
incapacitate a vampire. You're really going to want those water shoes.

Bring skin so soft. In fact bring extra so I can have some. You can purchase
stuff to combat the mosquitoes on island. You cannot however buy anything to
ward off the gnats. If you go to hicacael the gnats will eat you. Seriously.
Brandon and I looked like we had chicken pox.

Speaking of buying stuff to ward off the mosquitoes, do so. For reals. I'm
pretty sure this is the place that all the mutant monsters from Godzilla
movies come to retire. The mosquitoes here are huge! And they have time
release! You forget to wear bug repellant tonight and you will suffer
starting tomorrow night (and for the next 3 nights thereafter). I'm talking
take a cheese grater to your leg itchy. Also you might want to resist that
urge to smack the blood sucker about to dine on you. There's something
infinitely disturbing about having a blood smear on you that you don't know
who or what it came from.

Bring me a tithe in Orville Redenbacher Naturals Lime and Salt popcorn. They
come in single serving bags and are delicious forms of crack. Seriously if a
box of this doesn't come out of your suitcase I'm leaving you stranded on
leeward. (not really but possibly) ( i will also accept tithes in bottled water drink mixes such as crystal light in pink lemonade or cherry cranberry or any Hawaiian punch mixes)


Wildlife and nature related warnings:

We have sharks of all shapes and sizes. One of those shapes and sizes are
occasionally 14 ft hammerheads, etc. Now before you get freaked out our
sharks only attack stupid people. The only shark attack we have on record is
someone who had their chum bag resting on their leg. So use common sense. If
you are bleeding get out of the water. Or at least have the common decency
to swim slower than me.

Apparently barracuda are attracted to shiny things. Please plan your bathing
attire accordingly. Swimming with dolphins is awesome. Swimming with
barracuda is significantly less so.

If you find a pretty shell that appears to be empty, set it right side up
somewhere and see if it moves. If it doesn't take it home. If it crawls away
be thankful you've been saved from one of the more horrifying experiences of
my life. Learn from my mistake. Not a week later when you go to fish out
your prize and find the corpse of the elder god Cthuhlu reaching, arms out
stretched, to feast upon your very sanity! Also hermit craps smell
horrifying after they die... and apparently get kind of furry. I'm just
saying.

If you want to go sea glass hunting go during an off hour. Work days in the
morning are good cause there's no one else there. When you get more than one
or two hunters on the beach things start to get tense. Navy wives get
seriously territorial. They might cut you for a nice chunk of true blue.
Shit I might cut you for a nice chunk of amethyst.

If an iguana bobs his head at you, he's not saying "Sup?". He's saying you
are invading his personal bubble and he thinks he just might be able to take
you. Also don't feed them. They will chase you and as ungainly as they are
they can really move when they think they might get some subway out of it.

I've never seen one but there are "salt water alligators" mentioned in some
of the base instructions. I'm not sure if this is a joke in poor taste or
not. Either way I'm kind of terrified.

When we go hiking, stay on the trails. This will be obvious while we hike
next to barbed wire but the rule still stands even in the absence of the
barbed wire. Just remember, the bushes are watching and they have guns.

Also if you see a sign that says no photography beyond that point, they
really mean it. Don't pull that camera out unless you want to buy a new one,
cause they will take it.

Brandon has almost sat on a Cuban boa. Twice I think. Keep your eyes open
when in nature. Especially when on trails named racer run (racers are
snakes), lizard lane, boa breezeway (another snake), warbler way (bird),
pelican pass (another bird), hutia highway (banana rats!), and tarantula
trail (haven't even tried this one yet).

I would not recommend leaving shoes or jackets outside overnight but if you
absolutely must check your pockets and shoes before putting them back on.
Apparently scorpions find those places nice and cozy.

Don't drink the fountain drinks. I don't know what's wrong with them but
they taste like lemon pepper and sewage. Blegh!

And most importantly, remember you are on an active military installation
and security is an on-going concern. Don't assume you have all those rights
you are so used to, and keep in mind that there is always someone watching
you.

If I think of any other wisdom I'll send it your way.

Hugs and Kisses!

Eye Ball Update and Other Goals

So when I left you last week you were left wondering if I would ever get those thrice damned contacts into my eyes. Well I did! And I was ever so proud of myself. So proud of myself in fact, that the same day i got them in successfully I ran to the nex and got myself some off the shelf sunglasses! This is the first time I've been able to buy sunglasses off the shelf since I was 11! Its the first time I've worn sunglasses period in at least 5 or more years. They are huge and brandon makes fun of me, but i figure if i can use pretzels as mandibles while i'm bored at work then having sunglasses that make me look like a bug are the least of my worries and I think they are cute.

Also I kidnapped the Bull Ensign hat before our office party (my job has the awesomest parties). I want one. It makes me feel like a viking! Or a bobble head. Not sure which. That thing is heavy. 

Back to the eye balls though. So not only are these the first sunglasses in a long time, its also the first time I have seen my face without glasses. Why didn't anyone tell me I have beady eyes!? I haven't seen my eyes not magnified by glasses since I was 11! I see a lot more makeup in my futures. Also apparently I'm going to need reading glasses when I wear contacts. Which, correct me if I am wrong, completely defeats the purpose of wearing contacts. WTH? 

Regarding goal #12 I am totally in my 2nd week of my first batch of quartz-y rocks that i mentioned in the Cuba:Cliff Notes blog!

This is them straight out of the coarse grit round. They are starting to get shiny and they kind of glow.

Goal #39 is now in progress. I'm reading Joseph Campbell's Masks of God Vol 1: Primitive Mythology. So far its very... Freudian. I haven't gotten very far yet. This is pretty heavy stuff and so far it has dealt more with psychology and biology than it has with mythology. Judging by the table of contents though I will get to the mythology eventually. I am not however a big fan of Freud. I know he was pretty cutting edge stuff in his day but I have strong feelings that all of my motivations stem from penis envy. And I have to admit that I rolled my eyes when the book discussed the universal fear of toothed vaginas.  Seriously? 

Goals #51, 54 and 58 are in progress thanks to my starting a personal training program this past monday and i have worked out 5 times in the last week (talk about killing two birds with one stone!). I'm not sure how fast I'll get results because I refuse to give up food. She told me I could eat as many fruits and veggies as I want so there has been a lot of tomatoes, strawberries, and grapes (and lots of truvia which is amazing). But I'm not punishing myself. Food is the only thing they have on this island and I will not deny myself one of the only joys left to me. Come between me and cake... see what happens. Exercise is the price we pay for delicious.

Goal #54 is in progress. We installed peg boards and cork boards and completely rearranged my craft room yesterday. I'm very nearly organized which is very exciting. I'll post pics once its nice and tidy.

Well that's all for now. I'm going to get back to organizing my rock collection by mohs scale. I totally just gained a rank in nerdy.

Here have a pretty cactus!

Eye Ball Related Goals

or Ow That's a Finger in My Eye

Fair warning people. There's probably going to be a bit of profanity. Normally it requires a recalcitrant computer to get me to the level of frustration I'm simmering at right now.

I woke up this morning feeling chipper, excited, and generally pleased with myself for being poised to knock off goals 48, 49, and 50 all in one fell swoop. I went in to work a half hour early to make up for my doctor's appointment and was knocking shit out this morning. Then I get to the doctor's appointment. Since I've never worn contacts before they asked me if I thought I would be ok with touching my own eye. I promptly responded that I was on so much anti-anxiety drugs I could damn well learn to. To try them out the doctor popped them right in no problem.

Then he sent me out to his underlings to try and learn how to get them out... This would be the turning point of the story. I had no problem touching my eye... I did have hard time getting the little bastard to LET GO OF MY EYE BALL! I eventually got my right contact out. After another while of poking and prodding I eventually managed to rub the left contact into the corner of my eye until it bunched and then peeled it off. Probably not good for my eye or my contact but screw it that fucker was coming out.

Then they wanted me to put that shit back in!

I tried. I really did! I tried for a long time. Even with the extra half hour built in I was still late getting back to work! For two hours I POKED MYSELF IN THE EYE! It wouldn't go in! I tried leaning over. I tried leaning back. I tried looking in the mirror and I tried doing it by touch. At one point I thought I had gotten in! Then I blinked and it was on my shirt. I think that's when the audible profanity began. If that guy told me I almost had it one more time I was gonna punch him. When my eyes started aching and I called the contact a goat fucker out loud instead of just in my head, I decided it was time to take a break and try again at home.

I did order my new glasses which I get to pick up tomorrow so number 48 gets scratched off tomorrow.  When I tried to order sunglasses however... they don't sell them on the island. Fucking GTMO.

So by the time I got back to work I wanted to chew nails and kick puppies and I wasn't nearly as productive as I thought.

So now I'm gonna go wash my hands and poke myself in the eye for another hour...

This crab is ready to box... just like me.
>.<

Cuba: The Cliff Notes

This post is intended mostly for my friends, family, and new readers who haven't been following my adventures on facebook. I had considered transferring my facebook notes onto this new blog, but I decided that would confuse the issue unnecessarily, not to mention be insanely time consuming. So instead you are getting a morbidly pick obese summary of my adventures up-to-date.

First the base. They call Cuba the Pearl of the Antilles. This naval base is a little corner of paradise mixed with orwellian 1984. Things you should know if you ever get the chance to visit. 

1) This is a secluded base on what is basically a third world country. We produce all of our own water and electricity because there is no local utility company for us to buy it from like on every other base. We lose power fairly often. When there is a bad storm they will turn it off because it is easier to shut it down and then bring it back up than it is if it gets knocked out. And if there is say, a FUCKING FIRE at the electrical plant, well pull up your big girl panties. They'll fix it when they get a chance.

2) While many people seem to imagine GTMO as just a place to keep detainees, that is not the case. The Guantanamo Bay Naval Base has a long and illustrious history outside its controversial present, and it continues to fill other roles. We serve as a stop over for all our ships heading to south america on aide missions. We fuel them up and stock them up on supplies and give their sailors a chance to stretch their legs. We provide humanitarian aide and are a stop over point for many refugees and asylum seekers while their futures are decided. Only a small portion of the base is set aside for the detainees.

3)This base runs on the power of migrant workers. Seriously I can't stress this enough.

4) It's hard to get stuff here. We get mail  mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. Its not delivered. The post office is not open on saturdays. We get our supplies by barge so when we run out of stuff we are out of stuff for up to two weeks until the next barge gets here.

Sometimes its just as well. The fountain soda here tastes like it has lemon pepper and sewage mixed in. It is hideous.

5) I hope you don't have an dependencies. The internet sucks. Its like dial up all over again. They block anything that sucks up a lot of bandwith like skype and it makes it impossible to update games like world of warcraft. The cable sucks. Its grainy and there aren't many channels. We don't even have the comedy channel. The make up, book, and soda selection is dismal. I have spent a small fortune on amazon.com since moving here. The one thing they do have in abundance here is affordable booze. Gotta keep the sailors happy.

6) At 8 am and around sunset every day the base comes to a standstill while they play the anthem. Traffic literaly stops in the street. It confused the shit out of me the first time.

7) We live in earthquake country. That was kind of a surprise too. I work on the second floor of a rickety old building that used to be a warehouse. I fully appreciate now just how much that floor can bounce during a 5.1 quake.

8) The weather is on drugs and can roll in like the hand of an angry god.

But don't get me wrong. Its not all bad. I love it here! It's the middle of winter and it gets to almost 90 everyday! We have over 11 beaches to choose from, each with its own personality! You can find sea glass and semi precious stones literally just laying on the beach.

There is an abundance of flora and fauna to appreciate, not to mention the history just laying around. 

Now there are large chunks of the base that is restricted so you can't take pictures for security reasons. So its kind of like paradise meets 1984 meets an exclusive resort. You're chilling in the sun enjoying the sound of the waves in full view of guard towers. It's definitely an interesting experience. 

We also have lots of hiking trails. Just don't go hiking by yourself... We have mountains and a lot of the trails are steep and gravely and next thing you know you're at the bottom of the hill, by yourself, not on the trail you told people you would be on, wondering if your knee is broken and starting to worry that a cuban boa is going to eat you. Did I mention that I'm not the brightest?

I was going to include a summary of interesting fauna and my humorous experiences with them, but i think everyone who has made it this far deserves a cookie, so that will be a separate blog.

No go get yourselves a cookie. More will follow later.

Operation Don’t Fail at Life, Go!

Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the List

Getting something started is always hard, a blog no less so than anything else in life. What to talk about? How to segue between multiple obsessions and fascinating life experiences? Do I focus on just one passion or blog about my life? So many little decisions to paralyze you. But the hardest step is the first one. Just doing it.

Recently I embarked upon 101 goals in 1001 days. I posted my listed on Friday January 14th 2011. And goal number 77 was start a blog. So here it is scratch that puppy off the list! Productivity tastes so good!

1. Make a corset dress
2. Make a button down shirt
3. Make a pair of pants
4. Make a pencil skirt
5. Finish a Victorian dress
6. Make a fish tail skirt
7. Make a tailored jacket
8. Embroider something
9. Make a plunge corset
10. Do a water color painting
11. Make a quilt
12. Tumble a batch of rocks
13. Make a wire brooch
14. Drill a piece of sea glass
15. Make a wire wrap ring
16. Complete a steampunk costume
17. Draw a still life
18. Do a fashion drawing
19. Make an article of clothing for someone else
20. Make something for Avery
21. Make something for Abbi
22. Make something for Amber
23. Make something for Matthew
24. Make something for Mom
25. Make something for Dad
26. Make something for Janelle
27. Make something for Gary
28. Finish a cross-stitch
29. Make a hair piece
30. Finish the argyle scarf
31. Learn to knit lace
32. Learn to tat
33. Go on a real vacation
34. Visit ohio
35. Visit Tennessee
36. Visit hospital cay
37. Attend dragon con
38. Visit a Caribbean island
39. Read something by Joseph Campbell
40. Read the Annotated Alice in Wonderland
41. Read Stephen Hawking’s  Universe in a Nutshell
42. Read a book on palm reading
43. Read a book on tarot
44. Re-read the Mercy Thompson series
45. Re-read the Dresden Files
46. Read something steampunk
47. Read about a conspiracy theory (Currently reading 12th planet)
48. Get new glasses (appointment made with optometrist)
49. Try contacts (appointment made with optometrist)
50. Get prescription sunglasses (appointment made with optometrist)
51. Lose 20 lbs
52. Hike the full length of ridgeline trail
53. Start learning Spanish
54. Organize the craftroom
55. Establish an exercise routine you can maintain
56. Study geology
57. Clean out closet and be realistic
58. Exercise 30 minutes 3x’s a week for a month
59. Talk to a doctor about crunchy knees
60. Attend an exercise class once a week for a month
61. Drink 1 glass of plain water everyday for a month
62. Alternate between white and wheat bread
63. Reduce chocolaty desert to one serving a day
64. Complete a fun run/ walk
65. Organize my desk
66. Learn to glide
67. Learn to pop and lock
68. Learn to Charleston
69. Go see a movie
70. Take an online learning course
71. Attempt guided meditation
72. Try homemade salsa
73. Make homemade pizza
74. Make bread from scratch
75. Make a pineapple rum cake
76. Try 3 recipes from the boozy baker cookbook
77. Start a blog
78. Post to the blog at least once a month
79. Try 5 new recipes
80. Get dressed up
81. Get dressed up for no discernible reason
82. Go on 4 guided kayak trips
83. Cajole Brandon into getting his captain’s license
84. Rent a Boat
85. Go bird watching at sunrise
86. Get a half scale dress form
87. Get a walking foot for my sewing machine
88. Buy a stand mixer
89. Buy a serger
90. Save three months of income
91. Pay off a debt completely
92. Create a trip to japan nest egg
93. Create a budget
94. Stick to the budget for at least 3 months
95. Make a list of job hunting cities
96. Update my resume
97. Apply for 20 jobs before leaving cuba
98. Attend a credit management class
99. Attend training course for work
100. Make a profit off of a hobby
101. Get a step increase if not a pay grade increase

So this is where you can come to listen to me pat myself on the back, celebrate my crafter victories, and mourn my crafter defeats, and laugh at me everytime some of the wildlife makes me scream like a little girl.

Enjoy.