Fair warning people. There's probably going to be a bit of profanity. Normally it requires a recalcitrant computer to get me to the level of frustration I'm simmering at right now.
I woke up this morning feeling chipper, excited, and generally pleased with myself for being poised to knock off goals 48, 49, and 50 all in one fell swoop. I went in to work a half hour early to make up for my doctor's appointment and was knocking shit out this morning. Then I get to the doctor's appointment. Since I've never worn contacts before they asked me if I thought I would be ok with touching my own eye. I promptly responded that I was on so much anti-anxiety drugs I could damn well learn to. To try them out the doctor popped them right in no problem.
Then he sent me out to his underlings to try and learn how to get them out... This would be the turning point of the story. I had no problem touching my eye... I did have hard time getting the little bastard to LET GO OF MY EYE BALL! I eventually got my right contact out. After another while of poking and prodding I eventually managed to rub the left contact into the corner of my eye until it bunched and then peeled it off. Probably not good for my eye or my contact but screw it that fucker was coming out.
Then they wanted me to put that shit back in!
I tried. I really did! I tried for a long time. Even with the extra half hour built in I was still late getting back to work! For two hours I POKED MYSELF IN THE EYE! It wouldn't go in! I tried leaning over. I tried leaning back. I tried looking in the mirror and I tried doing it by touch. At one point I thought I had gotten in! Then I blinked and it was on my shirt. I think that's when the audible profanity began. If that guy told me I almost had it one more time I was gonna punch him. When my eyes started aching and I called the contact a goat fucker out loud instead of just in my head, I decided it was time to take a break and try again at home.
I did order my new glasses which I get to pick up tomorrow so number 48 gets scratched off tomorrow. When I tried to order sunglasses however... they don't sell them on the island. Fucking GTMO.
So by the time I got back to work I wanted to chew nails and kick puppies and I wasn't nearly as productive as I thought.
So now I'm gonna go wash my hands and poke myself in the eye for another hour...
>.<
For placement:
ReplyDelete1. Fish contact out of pool with the left hand.
2. Transfer carefully to right hand's dry index finger. Try a light rolling motion. Contact should be resting lightly, not squashed down.
3. Place left index finger against lashes of left eye, press lid up firmly against brow bone.
4. Press left middle finger into dark circle, pull down.
5. Place contact lightly against eye so the edges are touching your eye, not the whole thing, you don't need to press or touch the eye. This will cause the suction needed. Slowly try to pull finger away, contact should stay.
7. Still holding your eye open slowly look around, this will disperse the remaining air under contact.
8. Slowly release lid, slowly blink.
9. Read these directions again, but put the words "firm" and "slow" in bold type.
10. Switch left and right, repeat.
For removal:
1. Using the index or middle finger of your right hand pull up the upper lid of left eye, similar to how you would during placement.
2. Using the middle finger of your left hand pull down your lower lid, again similar.
3. Using left index lightly touch lower half of your contact and drag down slightly. This will help break the seal as your eye is shaped wonky.
4. Lightly pinch with index and thumb to remove.
5. Release lids.
6. Rejoice.
Note: It's easier to get contacts out of a wet eye and easier to put them into a normal one. So use drops accordingly, either prior to removal or after placement.
Slow and patient will get them in and out easy until you can do it drunk. You really never touch or put pressure on your eye.
I wore hard contacts for about 14 years. I looked into a mirror and watched the person in the mirror put the lens in their eye, kind of like putting on mascara. I don't have any advice for getting the little suckers out. Hard lenses only require a tug on the outer corner of the lid. Good luck. I tried soft lenses once but I couldn't get them out.
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